I am a distraction to myself

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I swear I have a post I’ve been working on that is (relatively) thought out and not like this one where I am just typing as I think things. But alas, I cannot finish anything lately and so that well-constructed post will be another day or two. I still spend many of my days in a haze, and not because of the baby, as you might have thought. Oh no, it’s because my skin has decided to develop a fresh subcutaneous sheen of itchiness. Barely perceptible to the naked eye (my skin looks pretty good lately, minus scabs and scars), it plagues me especially when I lay down for the night. Why am I flaring? I have no idea, especially since the skin is looking better. Maybe it’s the change in weather. Or perhaps it’s something I ate (which is always my fear). Who knows.

When not in a haze, I spend a lot of time scouring my kitchen for things to eat. As prescribed by the pediatricians I’ve been taking Fi to, I am no longer eating soy, dairy, wheat, or egg products in my food. Though I am no stranger to partial elimination diets or other dietary changes, I don’t think I’ve ever avoided egg yet while among the others. So now you’ll often find me longingly looking at a pasta box, and eyeing the forbidden cheese as a hobby. That takes up a bit more of my time.

Then (and eventually I’ll have to do a better post about this) there is the time spend dealing with my excoriation disorder (also known as dermatillomania or skin picking). I have always had a weird tendency to scratch at scabs and pop pimples (I know, gross) when I was young, but with the onset of global eczema and the constant scratching for months on end, I definitely fell firmly into this disorder. Sometimes I can be less destructive, or channel the destruction into societal acceptable forms (like using tweezers to remove leg hair), but other times I spend collectively hours picking off dead skin and harassing healing skin. I don’t have the common concurrent comorbidities of depression or trichotillomania (hair pulling) or OCD, though I have noticed that since the age of my worser flares, I do tend to be more obsessive with time wasting things (like trying to get my graduate notes perfect, which entailed me rewriting them over and over in different notebooks, never actually managing to finish one before I had a new idea of a better system to help me study more efficiently). Anyway, so to combat that I try to keep my nails really short, and keep my hands clean and busy, whether that’s typing blog posts, reading, or wildly gesturing to my baby to make her smile (still waiting on that first laugh), I try to condition myself to not focus on picking.

Then a large portion of every day I spend worrying that I should be working, that finding/creating these part time opportunities while staying home with Fi is not enough and that I need something full time. I don’t know why I’m so insecure about this, the people in my life have been nothing but supportive. Perhaps it’s from the occasional comment, or the sporadic question about when I’m going back to work, am I back at work, do I enjoy being back at work. Or my favorite one to answer, “what do you do?”. The sassy bit of me wants to retort, “well I exist, so eat, breathe, sleep, and shit are on the list. Then I like to round myself out by engaging in basic hygiene, getting exercise, and enjoying sunshine”. Obviously, I keep these kinds of comments in my head.

Even when I was little I was less interested in a career pathway than in making adventures and experiences into stories (well, except for a brief stint where I wanted to be a dentist because I thought teeth were interesting and I wanted to be the gentle-handed one that removed people’s fear of getting dental work done). I wanted to be a writer because I loved stories and just wanted to create my own. I was obsessed with reading multiple books even at social events because I loved finding out what happened next. And if I’m being honest I still want to be a writer today, just a different kind. Then after that I decided I wanted to be a naturalist… only at the time I thought naturalist entailed tying a cloth around a stick and adventuring into the woods to forage for edibles. I do think that was just a storyteller’s bend on biology (which I then went on to study in college… hmm). Momentary break.

What was this post about? I actually had to quickly scroll up to see the title I wrote earlier. In my defense, I walked away from the computer for a while to change Fi’s diaper and make more food, then to feed Fi again. Oh right, distractions. That’s apt. I guess I should have said distractions from what. I suppose distractions away from making a clearer post. Unfortunately that’s the nature of the game I’m playing lately. I have all these ideas for posts, many of which I’m working on, but the more research they require or the more motivation for words I need to work towards, the longer it takes to actually complete.

Oh, and another distraction is the book thing. I have a book problem. I tend to get 10+ books at a time from the library and then pigheadedly want to finish them all before their due dates, despite not having unlimited time to read. So instead I end up binging books in the middle of the night which doesn’t help with the insomnia. And then I’m more tired the next day. Whoops.

Anyway so this winter I am trying to distract myself from bad habits. This winter I’m am going to try extremely hard to keep my skin going in the right direction: healing. Usually once the cool air touches down and I inevitably become more sedentary, my skin becomes crap. So now I am trying to mitigate that by embracing winter’s cold touch (and trying a rotation of new products for different flare periods) and making sure I exercise more. And to combat the winter body blues (also in lieu of doing a drinking game with a TV series), this past weekend my husband and I made a fitness game. We tally up various events in a show which then equate to an exercise to do. After each episode we have to do the routine before we can go to the next one. Currently, we have one template for True Blood and I’ll describe our rules below.

True Blood Drinking Fitness Game (amended to make a single episode be more or less a full workout)

Anytime:

  1. anyone cries tears = 10 body weight squats
  2. someone dies = 1 lap around the house
  3. someone makes love = 5 pushups
  4. someone drinks alcohol or blood/V/trublood = 2 burpees
  5. someone is racist/sexist/vamp phobic = 25 calf raises
  6. Sookie responds to thoughts = 10 mountain climbers/side
  7. someone shape shifts = 5 high jumps
  8. there’s a fight = 10 bicycles/side
  9. someone is invited into or kicked out of a house = 15 second plank
  10. a main character is threatened/in danger/attacked= 5 bridges
  11. a new supernatural being is introduced = 50 butt kickers
  12. glamour is used =10 lizard steps
  13. someone is shirtless = 10 bear steps/side
  14. some says a sexual innuendo = 10 side steps/side
  15. someone has a dream/nightmare/daydream = 1 turkish get-up
  16. someone says “f*ck you/off” = 5 single leg deadlifts
  17. a vampire speeds somewhere = 2 lunges/side
  18. someone says “Sookie” or “Sook” = add one to a previously blank or lower tallied number above
  19. a main character dies = x2 to all above

So far it’s been entertaining and usually we get a decent workout. We started adding more stipulations as we continued watching, which led to longer workouts (a good thing since True Blood episodes are about an hour long, so we are up and moving for longer periods between). Anyway, I’ll leave off this post there, especially since I keep getting distracted by the yummy smells coming from the oven telling me dinner is ready!

girl power! on collectives and community (and witches!)

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Eczema is a devilish disease that is best thwarted mentally (in my case) by keeping myself busy reading, researching, and daydreaming. The strongest distraction as of late has been collectives. I have always had an affinity for all sorts of collectives because I think that when the project comes together from all that cooperation, it showcases the greatness of an amalgam of multiple minds. As such I have become more aware of collective collaborations over the years, especially when it comes to the arts. As I am often entangled in women’s health, below are a few of the more recent finds that are all women/all girl collective efforts.

The Secret Love of Geek Girls is an anthology created by Hope Nicholson and other artists, of prose and comic forms, which encompasses various topics such as divorce, coming out, asexuality, young love, and other aspects all from the lenses of women who identify and/or embody the idea of a geek. I absolutely loved it. It’s an anthology I have purchased to randomly flip open pages to read when I’m feeling a certain kind of way. Also I think it would be an awesome idea to create an eczema anthology one day, to share the experiences and feelings and worlds of those afflicted.

Girls Drawin’ Girls Tarot Deck  is a beautiful tarot deck done by the Girls Drawin’ Girls, a group formed by Melody Simpsons (who worked on the Simpsons). The group was formed to allow women a space to compete in a traditionally male-dominated industry. Speaking of tarot, I’ve gotten very interested in it lately. Not only does it gave a strong history of feminine mysticism but some people in the medical and health professional fields have been starting to use it as a therapeutic device. Jessica Dore uses tarot in her clinical work as she becomes a social worker, and Dr. Art Rosengarten, a clinical therapist, uses tarot for psychotherapy. There are a few older studies (like this one from the 90s) about tarot used for therapy, and the general impression I got is that due to the symbolism, tarot helps to give the clients a more visual way to process out their thoughts and bring forth aspects that are on their subconscious. In my head, if nothing else I see it as being a therapeutic tool, much like the Rorschach (ink blot) test but more multifaceted, and I would love to see more studies done on it. I personally want to learn how to do tarot readings for the storytelling aspect, but if it makes me subsequently be more in the moment, reflexive, or mindful (or if nothing else, distracted from my itches), I’m not complaining.

And since we’ve delved into tarot, and are thus already over the line and into mysticism, we must then talk about witches. The history of witches in America (as I understand it to be from listening to the tours in Salem and from this Smithsonian article), is mostly a tale of fear mongering. It started in Salem, Massachusetts (at the time the town of Danvers was also a part of Salem). A young girl and her cousin (Elizabeth and Abigail), whose slave (Tituba) used to tell them stories to amuse her and her friends, supposedly faked going into a possessed fits, their friends followed, and then religious men got involved who started calling out all witches to be persecuted (usually with the sentence of being jailed forever). A witch ended up encompassing any wayward woman (or sometimes man), such as one who didn’t behave as expected, who was promiscuous, who spoke her mind with the candor of a man,  who dabbled in the art of herbal healing, etc, and evidence for arrest included visions for a time. The tension was ramped up because of various families in towns competing for resources and believing the high tensions to be the result of devilry (witches were thought to commune with the devil). I’ve heard it thought that there may have also been competition for tourism and so slandering the other parts of Salem (e.g. Salem Village versus Salem Town) with the threat of witchcraft was a surefire way to insure more money into your own town (but I’m not sure this is true- I just heard it by word of mouth). The culmination of events led to the infamous Salem Witch Trials, with 200 accused, and the death of 20 people (not including those who died in jail).

Today there is more of a new era of witch culture in America. Well there are two blurred and overlapping lines of “witches”. There are the herbalists and healers who had had a bad rap in the past for practicing medicine and healing outside of the realm of religion/formal hospital training, and then there are the new age witches (which can also include herbalists and healers). As I live very close to Salem today and Vermont/Maine, I do get glimpses of both, but only limitedly. A lot of Salem is rampant tourism like the Harry Potter store Wynott’s Wands (though their wares are beautiful and I found out that their wands sell well as batons for conductors, which is really cool).

One example of the new age of witches is HausWitch, the store creation of Erica Feldmann who describes it as “a modern metaphysical lifestyle brand and shop” where they sell “witchy” wares made by independent makers, including a lot of self care body products, journals, courses (like tarot readings and seasonally-focused events), etc. The most interesting aspect of HausWitch and stores like it are the modernization of witchcraft as an inclusive movement. HausWitch for example, works to create community and thus holds many different events and healing practices and activism discussion among other activities to foster connections. Traditionally, a bunch of witches together in a group was called a coven, and was seen and portrayed as a dangerously bad thing, but in seeing covens today, they are essentially just another form of community with the commonality, instead of being location, sparking the starting connection.

Personally, as a person who is always trying to find ways to foster community wherever I go, I think the whole new resurgence of witchcraft is pretty cool, and I’m excited to learn more about it and see where else in the country it’s happening. I am particularly biased because I have always loved herbalism and since my eczema has gotten crazy, self care, and so any movements that entails taking care of yourself and immersing yourself in a community that is seasonally-inclined, is my cup of tea.

 

REFERENCES

Blumberg, Jess. “A Brief History of the Salem Witch Trials: One town’s strange journey from paranoia to pardon.” Smithsonian.com, https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/a-brief-history-of-the-salem-witch-trials-175162489/. Accessed 17 Sept 2018.

Dore, Jessica. “Tarot + Psychology: An Interview with Dr. Art Rosengarten.” Jessica Dore, https://www.jessicadore.com/tarot-psychology-interview-dr-art-rosengarten/. Accessed 17 Sept 2018.

Heaney, Katie. “Does Your Therapy Need More Tarot?” The Cut, https://www.thecut.com/2018/07/does-your-therapy-need-more-tarot.html. Accessed 17 Sept 2018.

Semetsky, Inna. Integrating Tarot readings into counselling and psychology. Spirtuality and Health International. 2005;6(2).

how to “solve” eczema

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Over the years I have gotten so much advice from well wishers about how to cure my eczema/topical steroid withdrawal (because in my case, the condition that changed my life was TSW, which was caused by the treatment of eczema). While some of the suggestions may be useful, more often than not they aren’t, and it may not be because the advice is something I’ve already tried or something outlandish. It may be more so because advice about a single aspect in my life to change doesn’t do anything impactful, because eczema’s root cause can be anything but singular.

I know some people are lucky: they remove the allergen (mold, gluten, soy, eggs, nightshades, dairy, dust), they decrease their stress, they exercise more, they find a supplement that really works, and bam, no more eczema. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people.

My root cause seems to be tied to many different aspects, from overuse of topical steroids, to unresolved emotional issues after familial deaths, to increasing sensitivity to foods (on top of food allergies I was born with), to increasing discomfort with specific exercises and a sensitivity to heat and sweating, to insomnia and other sleep issues, etc. So being given a new product to try doesn’t really solve the other issues preventing me from quickly recovering from each flare.

What I do find interesting, is people that have learned to live with eczema (and/or topical steroid withdrawal) and the various lifestyle changes they have done to help keep their flares under control. I came across a post a while back called The Metaphysical Meaning of Eczema – Do People Get Under Your Skin, which I thought would just be talking about how my emotions cause my eczema, but I was pleasantly surprised to read the author’s inclusion of a whole host of other things she does in her life to help. Because yes, I am sensitive, both skin-wise and emotion-wise (I can now flare-up from heightened nervousness from public speaking, or due to misunderstanding over trivialities at the store) but, and I am indignant about this, my sensitivity didn’t cause my eczema, and it definitely didn’t cause my topical steroid withdrawal. It probably is the reason it takes me so long to heal (on top of the constant flow of changes in my life… e.g. getting married, moving 4 times, leaving my graduate program, buying a house, having a baby- all within the last 3 years). I have learned to be zen about skin-related sleep deprivation, about hives from foods I normally can consume, over having to adjust all forms of activity I enjoy, over forgiving myself for making “mistakes” that then provoked a flare, etc. I know I still have a ways to go to consistently help my emotions flow naturally and not build up stress, but I have made immense progress and my skin doesn’t always reflect that. Hence why I get up in arms when people try to reduce my condition down to me “just not doing x”.

Woof, okay so now that I’m done that rant, back to my initial idea around today’s topic. The point is, eczema can be a multifaceted b*tch of a condition, with varying twists and turns that dictate how it goes for different people. If you don’t believe me, try reading the experience of Daniel Boey in his book Behind Every Itch is a Back Story: The Struggles of Growing Up with Rash, or peruse any number of personal blogs out there these days about someone going through TSW.

My point is that while I am happy for people who find ways to rid themselves of eczema flares through a singular method, I find it frustrating when we see the gimmicks of “anyone can cure their eczema if they just do x!” and find it somewhat damaging to reduce all people with eczema into the same world because said singular solutions don’t work for everyone. I appreciate people that talk about the myriad of changes they have had to do, because it shows that the cause of eczema, as it is still unknown for the most part, requires different management for different people, hence why it is so hard to “solve”.

hello new season!

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I love me some fall.
Born right before a time of thanks giving,
All Hallows eve as the favorite,
But Dia de los Muertes too,
And the allure of the medieval faires,
costumes, candy and color.

I love the crisp air smells,
the harvest season of bounty.
Pumpkins and apples are two of my favorites,
prerequisites for my sweet tooth preferences.
Surplus of hot beverages to soothe my soul.
Autumn is my season.

At the same time though,
eczema provokes hatred of cold.
The nip of jack frost early,
Equates regression to grumpy inconsolable,
as dampness of this coast seeps into the soul.

With autumn’s arrival,
Outfits at home are often accessorized,
with blankets,
the thicker the better,
new wealth built by warm layers.
Snuggles are needed,
for satiety of a vampire of heat,
but alas skin prevents it from being fait accompli,
as healing is slow.
In lieu, the bath,
concoction that I brew
to foster the feel
of physical familial warm
to ward of the bite
of Autumn’s sojourn