all posts, eczema

why does my skin getting wet itch so badly?

woman floating on water
Photo by Roy Reyna on Pexels.com

I’m combining all my other blogs’ content to this site. Please bear with me as I post older content.  🙂

I’ve been reflecting on the various triggers to my eczema during this neverending but constantly changing topical steroid withdrawal and at 2am this morning I came to a realization. My skin tends to itch like crazy when I’m exposed to something wet in short bursts. This includes actions  like washing my hands, dipping my feet in a tub to test the temperature, applying lotions to dry skin, etc.

This realization made me backtrack and first want to know what is the stimuli the body responds to when it’s wetted. We have receptors for temperature (thermoreceptors) and chemicals (chemoreceptors), and even some for painful exposure broadly (nociceptors). We also have cutaneous receptors that can detect pressure, touch, stretch, and vibrations, but still none of those seemed intuitive for how wetness would be recognized. Obviously it’s got a temperature component but that wouldn’t work alone. I did a quick google search and came across this article, which explained that wetness is registered a mix of cold temperature, pressure, and texture reception in tandem with learned experiences to create what was called “perceptual illusion”. Note, I have cited a secondary source above, not the primary study. The study itself I couldn’t access fully, but it is here.

I thought about the information I read and concluded that it didn’t help to explain why my eczema-afflicted skin reacts so aggressively to short duration bursts of wetness. Perhaps it has something to do with the over-sensitization nature of eczema. Maybe if the A-nerve afferents are just more reactive in general, inconsistent exposure (like multiple drops of water hitting my skin) would cause the A-nerve afferents to send tactile/temperature information repeatedly. Then as the over-sensitization makes me register many sensations as an itch, it would just create more itching. Maybe?

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all posts, eczema, parentings/things about baby and kids, women's health

on breastfeeding, breastmilk, and NPR

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Photo by Daria Shevtsova on Pexels.com

I’m combining all my other blogs’ content to this site. Please bear with me as I post older content.  🙂

A while back I took a class on breastfeeding at the hospital where I planned to deliver (North Shore Medical Center Salem Hospital). Below I’ve outlined some of the notes I took as they pertain to women’s health, as well as my own thoughts.

As many people are saying, “breast is best”, it’s interesting to look into why. Studies have shown breast feeding can help women lose some of the pregnancy weight faster as you are expelling energy to produce milk. It can also help reduce your risks of ovarian cancer, breast cancer, heart disease, and type 2 diabetes, as well as it releases hormones to calm you down.

But what’s actually going on in the body when it produces milk? The glands that produce milk (alveoli) send the milk to ducts which lead to the nipple opening. The baby draws the milk out when sucking, and the more the baby drinks, the more our breasts produce. At first we only produce colostrum, which is this fatty liquid that has all kinds of goodies like antibodies and beta carotene for our babies newly-developing immune system and gut. Then the real milk comes in after about 3-5 days. When a baby started nursing each time, first (s)he will get the foremilk which is mostly composed of water, and after feeding for a few minutes (up to 10 minutes) the hindmilk (which is a lot fattier) follows. The Letdown Reflex happens each time the baby feeds and it is when the baby has latched and the breasts transition from letting out foremilk to hindmilk. Some women can feel the letdown reflex happening (described as pins and needles or some localized tightness) but many women feel nothing.

But how does breastfeeding feel? Well, apparently it is a very novel sensation to most when the baby first latches (it definitely was in my experience) and for many it is difficult to get a good latch and takes some practice! The biggest worry is that a baby who has latched poorly and is just hooked onto your nipple and so (s)he will cause the mom pain. The way to avoid this is to make sure the baby gets more of the areola in its mouth rather than just the nipple. To detach a baby from your nipple if they are incorrectly latched, you definitely don’t want to just pull them off (ouch), but instead you should insert a clean finger into their mouth to break the suction, by running your finger along their gum line.

Also leaking is normal, especially at the beginning of breastfeeding, but it usually does slow down and stop as you continue breastfeeding and your baby gets used to it. You can use nursing pads and also press your nipple/cross your arms when you feel like you are leaking to help to try and stop it.

What about your diet; how does it affect the breastmilk? What can you eat? From this class I was told you can eat and drink anything, it’s just a matter of seeing what your baby’s reaction is (if they get gassy, fussy, hiccup-y, etc after a meal, check back to see what you last eat). Obviously some things to consider are making sure things like alcohol and caffeine are out of your system before you breastfeed (I think the advice was if you have an alcoholic drink, you don’t want to feel tipsy, and you want to wait about 2 hours before you breastfeed… but don’t quote me on those hours). Also for babies that have occult blood (invisible blood in the baby’s stool), the first things a doctor may advise you to avoid are probably dairy and soy, because they are the most common culprits that irritate the babies developing gastro-intestinal system (this is what occurred in my experience). The Kelly Mom blog has a post that goes into food sensitivities in more detail.

For pumping, the advice was not to start until 3-4 weeks unless needed and to make sure you get a pump with a suction cup that is sized correctly to your breast; you don’t want your nipple squished on the sides. The other advice was to pump in the morning, or after a baby’s feeding (I believe about 30 minutes after is the recommendation).

For general nipple care, the advice was to try using your own breast milk around the inflamed area first. Then you can try lansinoh or coconut oil on tender area, and then if it’s really bad, use manuka honey (here’s a cream made with it), but wash it off before feeding the baby.

Other painful aspects about breastfeeding include:

  • Engorgement: this occurs when you don’t breastfeed enough so your breasts become swollen and hard. Regularly nursing helps prevent this, but if you need to you can also remove milk by hand (or what’s called expressing milk) you can use a pump. Just express until your breasts are no longer hard. Cold compresses can also be used after feeding to help bring down the swelling. To express, massage the breast tissue and then grab above and below the breast with your thumb and forefinger and press back towards your chest wall, then gently squeeze, moving your hand all around to help drain multiple areas.
  • Mastitis: this is the most common problem, and it is when your breast gets infected with bacteria, causing pain. You will probably have a fever or other flu-like symptoms as well. This can occur from blocked ducts, nipple injuries, or problems with breastfeeding. You want to call the doctor if you feel this has occurred. Also also make sure to wash your hands frequently to reduce infection risk.
  • Blocked ducts: this is caused by not relieving the breasts. A blocked duct will feel sore and tender. Try taking a warm shower and apply moist heat, and/or gently massage before breast feeding. Also try expressing after feedings if you still feel engorged.
  • Yeast infection: this will cause your nipples to be shiny, red, and painful. Yeast (also called thrush) can also grow in your baby’s mouth so look for cottage cheese looking stuff in their cheeks.

Who can you call for help? Nowadays you can call your doctor, your baby’s pediatrician, and/or some hospitals also have lactation support groups (sometimes free), or lactation consultants (usually not free) that you can call to get one-on-one help.

A little more about breastmilk. In lieu of my own little own having some kind of sickness, I’ve been looking more into breastmilk’s functions. This searching led me to this internet viral photo showing how a mom’s breastmilk changed when her infant got sick. The 2013 study mentioned in that post talks about breastmilk’s immunological function and explains how when the mom or baby get sick, the number of leukocytes (aka white blood cells) in the breastmilk drastically increases to help protect them, because leukocytes help fight disease. I find that to be such a cool example of symbiosis. I personally have also noticed that breastfeeding seems to keep both me and the baby from getting some of the sicknesses that were going around (my mom, mother-in-law, and husband each got sick after the baby was born while the two moms were visiting!).

Lastly, I also read an article by NPR addressing the breastfeeding versus formula debate for poor countries.  The major points that this article made were that formula is not a godsend for impoverished countries for the following reasons:

  • formula requires water to make it, of which clean sources are not always available
  • formula causes increased risks of diarrhea and respiratory infections, and
  • formula can cost up to 30% of a families income, and subsequently families made dilute the formula to make it last longer, which reduces the amount of nutrients the baby gets per serving.

The article also talked about how it’s weird that we are constantly trying to research the benefits of breastfeeding when it’s as natural as “breathing, chewing, hearing, passing stool”. It also went on to explain that even an underfed mom can make excellent quality milk, and as for quantity, it is also enough except in the case of severe malnutrition. The latter point is interesting to me because I hear a lot of moms, including myself with babies labeled as “failure to thrive”, which essentially means our babies aren’t gaining weight at a rate that the medical professional expects. In my case, the doctor assumed I wasn’t producing enough milk and told me to supplement with formula. It turned out that my baby drank the same amount of formula as I was producing of milk, so I wasn’t the common denominator and rather my baby just drank only tiny amounts per feed. I’m curious as to why there are many medical professionals that believe many moms can’t produce enough milk when studies may be showing the contrary.

Anyway, the article ended by saying that it is up to the mom on how they want to provide for their child, however, it is important that they have accurate information to make informed decisions. This means that we would need to reform the system so doctors are never paid to handout formula samples, and on in which moms are not incentivized by free samples to use formula.

 

 

all posts, community, eczema, women's health

why doesn’t the postpartum period include eczema care?

two man and two woman standing on green grass field
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I’m combining all my other blogs’ content to this site. Please bear with me as I post older content. 🙂

As you may or may not know about me, my goal in life (career-wise at least) is to create a company that cultivates support for women with chronic illnesses as they embark on becoming mothers. One of my dreams is that services provided will help to make up for the loss of midwifery-type support that towns and cities used to have, and combat the decrease of share “wise woman” spaces, but specifically in the context of helping women who have varying autoimmune or other chronic disorders.

In my dream scenario, this company I create is inspired by community and healthy social growth, devoted to bringing together all people, not just those who can pay, or who are healthy.

If I ever delved into having a physical space for the company (as opposed to being a traveling owner), the space would be free to visit (when not going to a scheduled appointment), and would have lots of nooks and tables and chairs for people to enjoy the space, and some days would have events that would have an entrance fee but it would be reasonable, and would include a free meal that my husband would make along with other perks like meet-the-community-support-team, free lectures/discussions, etc. We’d work with local hotels, bed and breakfasts, and other places that rent out rooms to make sure there were plenty of accommodations ready too, which would help bring money back into the town.

Anyway, I could go on for days, but as a result of my lofty goal, I constantly have my eyes peeled for events or opportunities that bring about that community feel, especially in women’s health. 4th Trimester Arizona is one of those awesome events I learned of after it occurred. It seemed like the perfect fusion of mixing the community members (moms, dads, grandparents, etc) with local businesses, and with health/health care professionals, allowing for support and engagement for new moms and their families. The event included workshops, panels, free wellness services, a dad track, bonding activities, and more, all with the intent of strengthening community.

Going through a few of the speakers of 4th Trimester Arizona led me to Matrescence 4th Trimester Planning and Support, an organization started by Caitlin Green Cheney and Elizabeth Wood. They hold workshops that include how to prepare for the 4th trimester, including how to make a support system. Here is a Q&A session they did that tells a little more about their company and their backgrounds/how they got to where there are. They also encouraged me, because although they are more of a service you pay for, their intent is still to help provide education in tandem with support. I am finding that one thing most humans seem to crave in this day is more support in their endeavors; the world has gotten so big and diverse that finding a space where you feel a part of is so important. Hence my whole reason for wanting to become a postpartum advisor for women that are usually the most isolated, those who are chronically ill.

all posts, eczema, women's health

on biomechanics and katy bowman

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I’m combining all my other blogs’ content to this site. Please bear with me as I post older content.  🙂

I haven’t posted in a while because “times [but mostly things in my life] they are a-changing”. What I mean by that is that I have a bunch of exciting things I’m trying to get involved with that are still centered around my various beloved themes, including:

  • community
  • women’s health… and now, a throwback,
  • biomechanics!

Let me catch you up. Once upon a time I was a confused undergraduate trying to narrow down the vast world of supposed choices to figure out my next step post-college. I knew I had splashes of talent in various areas, but that I was also relatively unskilled overall in a whole larger host of things, making me not a great candidate for any job (at least that was the opinion I had of myself). I remember I came to a point where I narrowed the choice down to two respective options:

  1. go to graduate school for biomechanics. Specifically comparative (non-human) biomechanics, but with the desire to see if I could follow in the footsteps of those inspiring people who learn from nature and then connect that learning to something in the human world (e.g. the tensile strength of sharks’ skin as a model for bulletproof vests, or the boxfish’s shape as a model for the most aerodynamically stable (and ugly) car), or
  2. go to physical therapy school. Essentially PTs are the biomechanists of the medical world (so in this analogy an orthopedic surgeon would be more like a biomechanical engineer). This therapy path would allow me a more direct way to give back to the people and help others.

As you may know, I ultimately chose physical therapy, and then ended up leaving it about halfway through the program because the physical contact (manual therapy, measurements, etc) with patients was not conducive with my skin condition. This  ultimately made physical therapy less than an ideal career for me.

So then, the deluge. How am I full circling back to the idea of biomechanics (though not necessarily comparative this time)? Well, first I started working in the field of women’s health a little over two years ago, which has since led me to undertaking the process for a prenatal and postnatal coaching certification (I actually just finished this past week and am officially a certified prenatal and postnatal coach!). I am also tying that field of knowledge to a few other movement-related initiatives, including the current co-creation of a course for single mothers of color (but I’ll go into more on that when it’s further along). I also am in the process of figuring out if I have the time to set up and lead stroller/carrier friendly walks in a local nature reservation.

While in the midst of these various endeavors, I also ended up finding Katy Bowman, a biomechanist and movement educator known for her Nutritious Movement company, which builds on her nature-based movement ideologies/passions. She believes in modifying our every day human environments (along with many movements we do) to better promote health and wellness, because movement-optimized environments require us to move better by their very nature. An example she gives is not having a couch in your home. This then requires you to do more squats (if you end up sitting on the floor, or chairs of lower heights), and forces you to move your hip, knee, and ankle joints in greater ranges of motion. The no-couch life also facilitates less sitting time by virtue of there not being any comfy furniture to sit upon, thus increasing your NEAT which helps your body even at the cellular level.

As I delved more into her material, I realized I had found someone that encompassed that overlap in my interests that I didn’t know existed; she is not a practitioner of health or medicine therefore not subject to the insurance whims, nor is she just an academic  stuck talking only to other academics/writing scholarly papers while being removed from the direct societal implementation. Bowman also intersects nature with the manmade world, bridging the choice I was stuck between (loving the idea of physical rehabilitation and the like while having a passion for being involved in natural environments, but unsure of how to make either a thing). Even more excitingly, after some light searching I discovered she too has a masters (in health studies, while I’m health sciences, but close enough) so I know it’s possible to straddle the academic world even in a health-esque field while not being a PhD or MD.

This is endlessly inspiring to me because now I’m starting to think it isn’t impossible to focus on prenatal and postpartum women and work with them and their babies/ young children to create lifestyle changes and increase our movement, while doing it all in nature. Though I’m not fully sure of the direction I’m going to end up going to get it started, all in all, things are looking to be very promising in the near future.

I have also used Bowman as an entry into foot health (using her book Whole Body Barefoot), subsequently contemplating the health of my own feet on a more regular basis. Since I left the category of a nulliparous woman (a woman who has never given birth), I’ve been thinking about how my body alignment changed during pregnancy and how now I still often feel joint laxity and generally less in-tune with my body. This has resulted in me walking more duck-footed than I had previously. I am testing out her suggestions to improve my foot (and global postural) health presently, but honestly ,uch of her program is just good practice for regaining balance and better alignment generally (like doing calf stretches and one leg standing balance exercises). I’m already noticing that I am more able to abduct my pinky toes further since starting. My personal goal is to retrain my feet to be able to wear minimalist shoes (or shoes that alter the natural foot mechanics the least). This includes working my way to comfortably wearing shoes with no heel lift (which normal even sneakers and many types of sandals have).

Before that book, I also read Bowman’s book called Diastasis Recti: The Whole Body Solution to Abdominal Weakness and Separation. Though the content is obviously useful for postpartum moms, the condition of diastasis recti (DR) can impact men and nulliparous women too.

In this book Bowman talks about how our modern lifestyles put a lot more pressure (force) on our cavities (diaphragmatic, stomach, and pelvic) and so to combat that we need to make environmental changes in our lifestyle. This includes actions like sitting less in the day and returning to using our bodies to move more (rather than always having appliances and tools to help us).

The point isn’t to remove all modern conveniences entirely if it’s not possible in our lives, but to balance out those convenient factors so our bodies have a chance to regain better mobility and functional strength while we continue to go about our daily lives.

The most crucial exercise Bowman suggests as a takeaway from her book is better rib engagement. This is done by drawing our ribs down and back without just sucking in our stomachs. We need to get our ribcage muscles and joint attachments to be less stiff because it impacts our ability to use our arms in their full range, and can cause issues if we move our pelvises with our ribcages all the time. Anyway, the book is definitely worth checking out to hear Bowman explain all of this (she does a much much better job).

The last thing I read by Bowman was a paper she put out about Movement Ecology. She addresses movement in multiple avenues, highlighting how we as a species gravitate towards decreased movement, which means more than just decreased exercise. She investigates movement as a broader topic, looking at how our daily activities and the environment around us help move and change our bodies in multiple ways, including at the cellular level (e.g. literally deforming our cells as when we lay on an object and our cells flatten). It’s cool stuff!

The fun thing about Bowman’s work (and I’m just talking about the books/papers I referenced in this post, so foot health techniques, diastasis recti prevention, and movement ecology practices), you can already come up with a fairly comprehensive program for prenatal and postpartum mothers to help them stave off lifestyle-related aches and pains, and regain more function respectively, while building foundational blocks of strength and mobility. And that’s what I’ll be playing around with next with my own routines.

On a tangent, I wonder how much of the severity of my topical steroid withdrawal would be alleviated  if I moved more?

all posts, eczema, miscellaneous

healing skin, hormones, and hot nights

fire wallpaper
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It’s currently 3am and I’m awake despite the little one actually having been asleep since 830ish.

“Why on earth are you awake?”, you may be asking yourself, and rightly so.

Well let me tell you, internet reader. I am hot.

Now though the ambient temperature in the room feels cool, I know I set my thermostat a bit high (in my defense, with the skin disorder I’m usually always freezing, and the baby likes it warm too). However, I am not sweating. I’m just really warm. Warm enough to sleep in just a t-shirt and underwear, which I haven’t done since before my skin declared mutiny on my body (circa 20013?).

So as I’m over here pondering my existence in a semi-lucid state at 3 in the morning, the question that keeps popping up on the forefront of my mind is: this heat, what does this mean?

What does this mean? I’ve got a few theories.

  1. My skin has shown an unprecedented amount of healing lately. I have soft skin on my face, stomach, back, and thighs. Perhaps I have done the majority of my topical steroid withdrawal pemance and am finally seeing the results, aka having skin of normal thickness and elasticity and with the ability to retain heat and moisture.  Maybe. Or, maybe,
  2. I have finally hit the point where, despite still breastfeeding (which can delay this), my hormones are kicking back in, and I am soon to rejoin the ranks of menstruating-aged women. In which case, hormones could be the culprit for my heated sleep body. Or, perhaps,
  3. My circadian rhythm is so butchered from having to wake up at all manner of times during the night shift for the last 7 months (more if you count pregnancy months too) that my body doesn’t know what to do with un-externally regulated sleep interruptions, and so in a desperate attempt to keep its new status quo, it’s driving me awake via continued thermoregulation fluctuations. Maybe that’s it.

Or maybe it’s some culmination of the three of those things because as is often the case with complex systems like humans, we don’t always have a simple solution.

At any rate, I’m enjoying the fact that my little one is getting so much sleep, and that I’m getting some silky smooth patches of skin. I’m not stressed and as I am awake I am making sure to hydrate, so I’m sure in time I’ll learn to sleep again. So c’est la vie et bonne nuit (that’s life and good night).

all posts, eczema, women's health

things that suck, literally

nature grass black outdoors
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I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth, I just no longer subscribe to the spacetime continuum on it. But you’ve heard enough of my excuses about why I’m so untimely and inconsistent with posting, so let’s just skip that rerun.

Today’s topic is things that suck. But literally suck, as in suction, not in that they are uncool. The latter is way too arbitrarily subjective for me.

Anyway, so I’ve been pondering about my skin health, especially that of my feet. As a whole my skin has improved immensely; so much so that going outside in 20 degree weather does  not reduce me to being a miserable shivering mess any longer. I feel like each day, despite my diet not being on point and my sleep amounts being wonky, my skin is developing a more human luster again. Obviously this is exciting beyond proportions, however, my feet in particular still look horrendous and itch aggressively at times. Many areas, especially where the foot skin meets the plantar skin surface (bottom of the foot), there is a tough thickened layer of scarred skin, much like a callous but not so strong and mostly still flaky. From staring at it collectively for hours (and talking with my sister, who is good at thinking about skin care), I have come to the conclusion that I sorely lack blood flow in those areas, and so the trick now is figuring how to remedy that. I’ve been trying massage techniques as part of a bedtime routine and maybe it’s working, but at any rate I started envisioning a new “quick fix” direction: leeches!

Here me out. Leeches are small and single purpose-y: they bite to latch to human skin, secrete a light numbing type chemical, and then they start sucking and drawing blood to satiate themselves, and when they are done their fat content selves detach and they fall off. Well, what if they were applied to those thickened eczema spots, like on my feet? Could their ability to draw blood work in my favor to get the needed blood flow to that area to promote better healing? Would it reduce the thick skin build-up?

I then got curious if any medical practitioners have tried using leeches for eczema and recorded their findings. Turns out the answer is yes, but so far only in India (or that I could find). The study I did find had no control group (so no way to control for placebo effects or to compare in general) but they did find that leeches helped the eczema spots. Honestly I’m not sure why though. The study mentioned the leeches’ secretion having a microbial effect and the penetration of the epidermis and dermis layers of the skin, as well as the increased bloodflow the leeches provoked, so maybe I was on to something there.

The next thing that sucks isn’t a thing at all, but my baby. As a breastfed baby, my little one practices her sucking multiple times a day (I don’t pump honestly because I’m not good at it, so it feels like it takes forever just to get a low yield), meaning my schedule is worked around her needs. While I don’t mind this, it has caused me to wonder how I could have a career, as there are not many jobs I could take her along with me in this day and age (or at least not that I know of).

In short, I started coursework to become a postpartum doula. It will probably take me a few years to finish it all, mostly because you need to spend 5 hours minimum with 4 separate families and Fiona isn’t ready for that duration of separation yet, plus I don’t have any families lined up. That and also Fiona has developed complete object permanence, and so we are drastically having to readjust her sleeping routine again.

In other news, I have also started a role as a research writer for a site called PPDJourney, which features stories from moms about their experiences with postpartum depression. I’ll be doing monthly pieces on things that relate to maternal mental health.

Also I may be possibly developing a course with my favorite herbalist group, but I’ll keep that under wraps until it becomes more concrete.

Lastly, yes I know the cover picture is a slug, not leech, but in the immortal words of Rick the Hormone Monster “What’d ya gonna do?”

 

REFERENCES

Shankar KMP, Rao SD, and Gopalakrishnaiah V. A clinical trial for evaluation of leech application in the management of Vicarcikā(Eczema). Anc Sci Life. 2014 Apr-Jun; 33(4): 236–241.

all posts, eczema, parentings/things about baby and kids

sleep training and skin drying, a midwinter’s tale

cat sleeping
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The little one is beginning to have a routine emerge. So far she fights all forms of sleep training and instead functions on a growing stable sets of principles.

  • Bedtime is 9pm.
  • Midnight to 2am is the start range for the late-night meal.
  • 5am-6am is the start range for the early morning meal, but a second attempt at sleeping afterwards will be successful.
  • 6am-8:30am is the relaxed independent wake-up time range where self play is initiated until boredom or some confined position occurs and it’s time to wake up mom.

At the moment, I don’t really mind this schedule, save for experiencing the skin drying out feeling each time I wake up. The apartment has central heating, which equates to forced air from ceiling vents, which feels great but does tend to dry me out especially as I’m up three times each “night” period. I have a moisturizer by my bed (which I’m starting to think every non-moisturizer withdrawing person should do) so every time I get back in it I reapply to all my problem spots (feet and hands primarily, but also knees and elbows).

It’s annoying because we’ve officially hit that time of year where there’s a consistent wetness in the air outside, and temperatures vary from 40 to 14 Fahrenheit. As a result, my skin gets damp and itchy, I’m constantly bundling up to stay warm, and I can’t keep moisturize on my skin to save my life.

But back to Fiona. Last night she fell asleep at 7pm instead of 9pm (which was a feat in itself and aided by the fact that she hadn’t napped since the morning). What was the result? Feedings at 9pm and 3am, and we’ll see where the terminal night feed lands, but I’d guess it will be around 5am now.

I think it’s fascinating that she has her own internal clock developing. She has never been a great sleeper but she is slowly adding hours in like with a late morning nap she eventually takes that lasts from 2 to 3.5 hours. At first I was really frazzled that she didn’t do what all the books and sites say, which was to settle down around 6pm and be asleep by 6:30/7pm consistently, but then I realized it wasn’t helping either of us that I was getting stressed out when no amount of routining could successfully have her asleep before 8pm each night. She also got so inconsolable with our few day stints of attempts to sleep train her, and it would carry on into the next day. When I finally stopped trying to get her on the “normal” schedule, she got happier, so I got happier, so she slept longer, so I slept longer, and my skin started to heal more- winter dryness and all.

That had been a hugely frustrating part of this new baby life. There are so many external pressures to have a baby that conforms to the general standards that society has deemed the norm, that when yours doesn’t, it can be so mentally taxing.

For example, so many of the pediatricians I saw told me Fiona was too small, therefore not eating enough. The newest pediatrician pulled up the growth curve and showed that Fiona was tracking perfectly for a baby in the 5 percentile (aka she is growing consistently, but is a small baby as far as “norms” go). But instead of understanding that for the first 6 or so months, I lived in fear that I wasn’t feeding her enough, but also knowing that I was on the most hypoallergenic diet I could be (no dairy, soy, gluten, eggs, rice, oats, corn) and that breastfeeding reduced her risk of getting eczema. It was a vicious mental gymnastic I had to contend with, with every comment about how small she was, or every assumption that when she cried that she was hungry, really sucker punching me in the gut. It amped my stress levels up so much and so it is little wonder I had stagnant skin healing for months (on top of fluctuations in my amounts of sleep).

But now, though some of the old thoughts still rear their ugly heads, I have found more peace with the situation, especially as I see Fiona make developmental milestones. And subsequently new calmness is helping my lizard skin slowly regain its shine, even if this north east winter is trying its darnest to dry me out.